Drunken Perps and Flawed Logic
by eatsleepreadwrite
Summary: It was supposed to be a straightforward arrest, but then Peralta turned up and guns came out. Quick one-shot of an arrest. Set before Episode 13. Rating only for occasional language.


"Mr Werner?"

He nodded which seemed to make him a bit unsteady. His eyes were bloodshot and his skin was blotchy and marred. And he really needed to get a toothbrush.

"'ello, sweet'eart! You come to frisk me down? I'll stand against the wall like a good boy, eh?"

Amy rolled her eyes. Drunk perps were the worst kind. They were sloppy, rude, inappropriate, and just plain gross.

"No, sir, I'm actually here to arrest you. We've had an anonymous tip off that you are in possession of quite a considerable amount of heroin. The NYPD have done a sweep of your house and have found more than we expected."

Mr Werner cringed visibly, and his eyes grew wide as he slowly realised what that meant.

"Seeing as it's your second offence for heroin possession and from the amount you've got, it looks like intent to distribute as well, you will be taken to prison where you will probably serve a good 10 years in prison and a hefty fine too. Now are you gonna come with me nicely or am I going to have to forcibly take you to the precinct?"

_Don't get too smug_, she thought, _I need to stay professional. _

Mr Werner turned and tried to sprint for the nearest door to the club. 'Tried' is probably a key word here, as drunk perps who are overweight and probably haven't run in a good thirty years can't really 'sprint' as such.

A few good strides and a smoothly executed takedown later, and Mr Werner dropped to the floor, his knees clicking as he fell.

"God….damn you….fu…itch…"

His speech was garbled as she bent him over and reached for his hands.

_Oh what the hell, let's get a little smug._

"Can't say that was the sprint of my life." Amy smiled. Then stopped quickly. _Stay professional._ "Mr Werner, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?"

No reply.

"With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?"

No reply.

"Mr Werner?"

No reply.

"Mr Werner? Are you alright?"

She walked around him, hand on her gun. He was handcuffed, so it wasn't like he could do a runner.

"Oh you stupid little bitch."

He looked up at her through his dirty blonde hair. His smile was disgusting; yellow, rotting teeth always were. But it was also creepy, like he knew something she didn't…

"Amy, get down!"

What? She turned slightly to see Peralta sprinting towards her, gun out and vest on. And this time, sprinting was actually sprinting. Why the hell was he here?

**BANG!**

A bullet flew past her ear. Two seconds ago and that would have been her head if she hadn't turned.

Amy dropped to the ground. Her heart was beating wildly, like it was too big for her ribcage.

**BANG!**

_C'mon Amy. Think. What do you do if someone's shooting at you?_

_Find cover_, she thought.

She crawled over to a small alcove in the wall of the club. It smelt like garbage and vomit. Disgusting.

A hand grabbed her shoulder. She swivelled and pointed her gun at the man behind her.

"Goddamn it, Peralta, do you have to butt in every time I make an arrest?"

"No, but you manage to do everything so badly, it's like you're waiting for me to arrive."

"Peralta!" Amy whacked him on the arm, then peered around the alcove wall. Werner was lying on the ground. Had he been shot?

"Right, I gotta get Werner. I arrested him and read him his Miranda rights, but then I got shot at. We need to grab and take him in. I don't know if these shooters are trying to kill him or me, but either way, we need to get him and get out of here."

Peralta's face dropped to an impassive stare, analysing everything around him. It was amazing how focused he could be when he wanted to.

"No. We'll both need to get Werner. He doesn't look light and it might take both of us to drag him over here."

He made a good point. Werner was at least half a foot taller than her and was about three times as big as her around the middle.

"Fine. You cover me whilst we both run out. If I can't drag him, we both lift him."

"Right. Let's go!" Peralta dashed out from the alcove and started shooting at the people shooting back at him.

"What happened to 'on three'?" She muttered.

She ran over to Werner and grabbed his arms, tried to drag him and almost fell over.

"Peralta!" She yelled. "I need some help!"

He moved backwards, gun still up. He took one glance at Werner.

"Why do I have to take the feet?"

"Really, Peralta? That's what you're thinking about right now?"

He grabbed Werner's right leg and they both moved backwards to the alcove. Werner was out cold. She couldn't see any visible marks on him, but that didn't mean he was okay.

"Let's check if he's breathing."

Amy put the back of her hand in front of his mouth. Nothing. She bent down, cheek to the mouth and watching his substantial chest for any rise or fall. Nothing. She began to pull away.

"ARGH!"

Werner was biting down on her neck.

"Vampire!" Peralta yelled as he grabbed Werner's face and punched him right on the perp's nose.

Shit, that hurt.

"You alright?"

Amy lifted her hand to the bite mark on her neck. A little blood but not too bad.

"Well I might need to get a rabies shot after this, but it's not too bad."

Peralta laughed.

"Wow, Santiago, who knew you had a sense of humour?"

She scowled and leant back from Werner. He was too heavy for them to carry in the open. They would have to call for back up.

Amy grabbed her radio.

"Don't bother. They're on their way."

She looked at Peralta suspiciously.

"How do you know? What did you do? Radio them psychically?"

He smiled.

"Nah, I came straight from the house. The others are on their way. I thought you might need some back up when I saw that Werner had a load of guns in his room…and a cheque from Harvey Stint."

"Harvey Stint?! No wonder I was being shot at!"

"Yeah, about that. Why is it an 'I' and not a 'we'? Where's Boyle? I thought he came with you."

Amy cringed internally. She hadn't really thought this one through.

"Well…Boyle…Boyle was hungry so he went to grab a sandwich from the 7/11 down the road. We hadn't seen Werner yet so I didn't think it would matter. Werner shows up two minutes after Boyle leaves so I get out and go after him."

"And you didn't wait? Smart, Santiago, really smart…"

"No, it's just that…well…I knew that if I arrested him, it'd be…be another point for me in the bet…"

A momentary silence.

"Are you an IDIOT, Santiago? If this is what you're doing to win a stupid BET then I'll give you the car!"

"I know…"

Peralta checked his radio, still fuming from her idiot move.

"Wait a second. I could ask you the same thing. Why isn't Serge with you? Or Rosa? Protocol states that you need at least two officers for back up. Holt wouldn't have sent you alone."

Now it was Jake's turn to look uncomfortable.

"Well I knew you were gonna be in a bad way, so I just got in a car and left."

She raised her eyebrow.

"Really? For me?" Amy said, more sarcastically than she intended.

"No, not for you. We all know Boyle is a helpless when it comes to arrests. I couldn't leave my buddy with Captain Useless over here."

"Hey! You called me captain!" Amy grinned widely.

"Yeah, but it was followed by the word 'useless'. That's like saying I call you Her Royal Highness Snores 'n Bores. I'm sure not calling you a queen."

"Thanks, Peralta. Always nice to know that you think I'm a fun and interesting co-worker." She muttered.

"Sorry, what was that, HRH Snores 'n Bores?"

Amy glared at him.

"Are you seriously going to keep calling me HRH Snores 'n Bores?"

"I dunno, it has a catchy ring to it, doesn't it?"

"You're an idiot, Peralta."

"Well at least I'm not HRH Snores 'n Bores."

"I am not boring! I'm fun, sensible and have an interesting personality." Jake opened his mouth. "And do NOT say 'I've found the new name of Santiago's sex tape or I will personally stick Werner's disgusting foot in your mouth."

He closed his mouth. _Good._

"' I'm fun, sensible and have an interesting personality', the new name of Santiago's sex tape." He whispered to Werner. Goddamn it he liked to push her buttons.

"Peralta-"

"Amy, Jake!"

Boyle leapt out at them from the club door behind them.

"Boyle!"

"Yes, Jakey!"

"Maybe next time, you should tell us when you're going to spring out from a door!"

Peralta was rubbing the back of his head. She tried not to smirk but failed miserably.

"Oh, man, sorry Jake! My mistake!"

"Boyle, listen. Now that you're here, we can move. I don't know if those shooters are still out there, but you need to cover us while Peralta and I lift Werner to our car, okay?"

"Sure thing, Amy. On three?"

"Yes, on three."

"One-"

Peralta grabbed Werner's legs and started dragging him to the car. Amy ran out and grabbed Werner's handcuffed arms.

"Peralta! Do you have a problem with 'on three'?"

"Yeah, it's too long."

They'd reached the car. Boyle was halfway back, ducked behind an industrial size trashcan as he returned a few of the oncoming shots.

"Get him in the car. I'll help Boyle."

"Fine."

She punched the unlock button on her keys and opened the back door. Damn, Werner was not a light guy.

"C'mon Amy!" She muttered to herself. Self-motivation. That was really key. "C'mon Amy, you can do this!"

Finally, Werner fell into the back seat of the car. She slammed the door shut and turned around to see Peralta and Boyle sprinting over to her.

"Let's go."

She jumped in the driver's seat, belted up and started the engine. Within a few minutes they were out of sight and safe. Peralta's car lit up at the edge of the car park.

"Phew, that was pretty close."

"Yeah, that last shot almost got me. But it didn't, because my awesomeness forms a protective shield around me."

Amy rolled her eyes.

"Right. Sure. Peralta, that your car?"

"Yep. Just park next to it and I can radio the others not to come."

"Rosa's coming?" Boyle's eyes grew wide in fright.

"Nah, don't worry buddy, we'll just tell them to go back to the station."

Boyle had been nervous and tense around Rosa for the last week. It wasn't unusual to see Boyle nervous, but he was edgy to the point of running away from her.

Peralta leant into his car and started talking to Serge. He didn't sound particularly happy.

"Amy, why did you run after him without me?"

Shit.

"I…" She caught Peralta's eye and he nodded once. He wouldn't mention the bet. "I just saw the opportunity and took it. I'm sorry I left."

"Well next time, wait for me. You could have gotten hurt."

"Yeah, but Peralta was there. He always turns up eventually."

She smiled. Boyle shook his head and climbed into the car. Peralta climbed out of his.

"Well Serge isn't particularly happy about me charging off, but he's glad we got Werner. They've got a holding cell open for him at the precinct. And I've got a hot meatball sandwich waiting for me at my desk so let's go!"

"Peralta?"

"Yes, Amy Santiago?"

She looked down at her shoes. Amy hated admitting she was wrong.

"Thanks for helping back there. I couldn't have done it without you."

"No, you couldn't. That's why I turned up and saved your ass."

"You did not 'save my ass'! My ass was fine!"

But Jake was already in his car and turned on the engine. He grinned, perfectly aware that he couldn't hear her. He loved to have the last word.

"See you at the precinct, Santiago!"


End file.
